The Nose Knows
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Luigi investigates a mystery in Woody Woods


He took one hand to the door and slammed it shut with intense ire. Green fire formed around his hallowed fist as he seethed with rage. He kicked a tin can to oblivion. He lit his overalls on fire with the residue of wrath. He stepped inside and eyed his brother angrily.

"What's-a up, bro?" asked Mario, twirling his mustache with some salon-quality hair-curlers.

Luigi grunted and took a fiery step towards his brother. He placed his burning palm upon Mario's nose and slowly closed enclosed the lumpy olfactory mechanism. His fingers itched with the malevolence of his thunderous fury. He grabbed hold and yanked. The nose was now in his hand.

Mario slid off of his seat and landed on his ravioli dessert. Now it was ruined.

"Why? Now I shan't eat nor smell!" cried Mario. He wept into his sleeve. The nose resting in Luigi's palm leaked the melancholy. He clenched it tightly and returned it to his pocket.

"Rachel…" bellowed the ghastly tree outside.

"Woody…" Luigi returned as he popped his long neck out the window and examined the talking tree from afar.

"Ah, Luigi, it is you," said Woody.

"Darn tootin'," said Luigi and he took his guitar out from behind his groovy groomed mustache and played the sickest riff you or your mother ever heard.

Toad was resting in the kitchen sink laid next to Woody. He heard of the righteous tune and turned his mushroom attention to Luigi, his guitar, and his angst. "Luigi, it is 3 AM. Do not bother the sleeping babes," said Toad with slight annoyance.

"I do not mean to intrude, but I must," said Luigi in keen atonement. He then removed an entire corn cob from his nose. He cemented his legacy in the cob, etching his namesake into it with his holy heat vision.

"Sweet Wanda Vision…" muttered Toad. He took out his hackysack and kicked it across the courtyard. It landed in Waluigi's life.

"My wahing life," wahed the Purple One of Elegance and Faith. He walked to Woody Woods and did his signature toe hold on Toad.

"Relinquish it!" roared Toad, dripping toenail excess onto Waluigi's gloved fingertips.

"Nay," said Waluigi and he pulled off the toe and shoved it down Luigi's esophagus.

Luigi studied his current esophageal situation. He liked the taste of Toad toes, but not when they were the big toe; he only preferred the index toe, the one that you point with when a car moves too fast in a school zone. Luigi swallowed and thought about justice and relevant tacos.

"I see you've excelled in greatness," said Waluigi. He called for Louis to attend the day.

"Aye, I am here," said Louis. He took two forks and fed them to Luigi. Luigi ate the polished granite attached to the sharp silverware tines. He even downed the entirety of the forks. He wiped his greasy lips with a civilised handkerchief and bowed down to his local library.

"Hi, Luigi," said the library named Kylo Javier.

"Where is the casino?" asked Luigi with intense eyes of green accents.

"Give of me the nose, Luigi," said Kylo Javier and Luigi obeyed.

The doors opened and out stepped Princess Rosalina. "Are you Luigi?" she asked with her wand lighting up the night sky like a rocket ship on my way to Mars on a collision course.

"What is the meaning of life, Princess Creature Person?" asked Luigi, intently as he took two solid rocks and handed them to the eternal deity.

"Oh, porridge…" said Rosalina and she morphed the rocks into living rabbits via her magical essence.

"Unity, duty, and destiny are all I know and all I care about," said Luigi sadly as his rabbits were inserted into the fountain.

Violet sparks flew out from the porcelain monument. Luigi carefully used his tongue to hold together the frayed materials. He inhaled the beautiful colours like a magic Kirby. He tossed his gloves into his overall fire and sang his magic song.

"_Vamos, here we are in the room full of strangers._

_Standing on my head, I've waited eighteen years and counting._

_Where are my life goals? Do they wear thin?_

_Where even is my chocolate bar?_

_Do I perfect the ages of reconciliation?_

_Where are my taxes and has Toad arrived with the results of this week's tests?"_

Luigi broke down crying and held his tearing eyeballs into his mighty burning gloves. Luigi's pupils burned bright with the serious realisation of all mankind's abominable evils. The land was desolate and laid to waste. Everything was steaming hot garbage.

Toad watched as Luigi gained ethereal sentience. The lad rose to the heavens and produced great feathery wings from his backside.

Toad let out a wail of horrified honour. He beat the ground with a rusty shovel and then sang for hours until his spleen told him to take a break.

"No spleen," said Toad. "Not until my gallbladder says to withhold my outcry!"

"Very well," said Toad's spleen. It crawled out from Toad's location and read the daily newspaper. There were eleven sales today and all spleens are bargain-hunters as all spleens should.

"Well, I guess that makes two of us…" said Waluigi with a mustache of hope. He laid aside his dead father Mufasa and wept.

Uncle Scar approached and told Waluigi to run away and never return to the Pride Lands.

Waluigi ran, but the hyenas gave chase. Fortunately, Waluigi escaped and sold merchandise to seven nations: Iberia, Wiberia, Tiberia, Liberia, Quiberia, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Sam.

"Who must purchase this?" asked an old woman with long flowing hair and a long flowing cane.

"You may, but only for a single gold, shining amulet," replied Waluigi. He opened up his pockets and caught the thrown item. "Item get!"

Toad approached the kiosk and offered Waluigi his kind and considerate condolences.

"It is okey-doke, Toad," said Waluigi. "He is in a much better place now…"

The heavens smiled down at Waluigi.

**THE END**


End file.
